This is fine
From: Terry Towe-Ling, Dunroamin, Little to See, Surrey
To: The Editor, Daily Telegraph
Prime Minister in waiting Liz Truss rightly declares that: ‘there are too many people in this country… who talk our country down.’
I am sure your readers agree, and it might therefore be of interest to them if I demonstrate why talk of doom and gloom ignores the realities of life in the UK from where I see it and fails to consider the glorious future that awaits the country.
Indeed, while the left spy doom and gloom around every corner, I have drawn inspiration from the letters pages and online comment sections of fine organs like your own, as well as the Mail and the Express, to obtain the opinions of those with a more rosy outlook.
Furthermore, in the search for a sensible view on things I have also tapped the considerable expertise of our noble backbench MPs, and mined that rich seam that is Great British Common Sense, to gain a better viewpoint on the big issues that the UK faces today.
At the risk of lengthy discourse, I will show how we have little to fear from what the left urges us to regard as serious ‘issues’ for the UK today. For, as the small dog in a burning room so loved by a younger, ‘woke’ generation of snowflakes puts it so well: ‘This is fine!’
Sunburn is good for you
Example number one. The current heatwave is simply the weather, not evidence of climate change, according to the many commentators with PhDs ‘below the line’ on The Times. As one so memorably put it: “We can’t even enjoy summer now without thinking the world is burning to a crisp because we drove to the shops for a pint of milk.” That’s the spirit!
As no less an authority on the climate than Tory MP Sir John Hayes, chair of the Common Sense Group of MPs, said when the Met Office issued a warning about 40-degree temperatures last month, we need to stop being snowflakes and get out and enjoy the sun! Indeed, my own experiences at Henley prove that heat stroke is an impossibility for those who wear a Panama Hat.
So what better response to so-called climate change than to find a nice spot in the sun, and repeat after me: This is fine!
Water, water, everywhere (later in the year!)
Is the glass half full or half empty?, goes the saying. Well I am here to tell you that in the UK it’s full — even when it’s empty!
The drought that has just been declared across swathes of the country has been written about in catastrophic terms, but actually, it’s also fine. Because recent history suggests it will rain so heavily come winter that the same communities that have only just dried out from last year will once again be underwater, and there will be plenty of the wet stuff to go around!
I know a few farmers are complaining about crops dying in the unrelenting sun at the precise time when food self-sufficiency has risen up the agenda. And I read that the CEOs of some water firms have refused to implement hosepipe bans and divert more water to farms for fear of being at the sharp end of John Bull’s pitchfork.
But this simply means these fatcats are finally listening to the great British public, whose wisdom led both to a glorious Brexit and a vessel most amusingly named Boaty McBoatface. Quite rightly, plucky Brits are not about to let a single dahlia die in the name of climate change!
Many farmers ask who’s going to pick all their crops, given that they are short some 70,000 workers who (thankfully) left the country since Brexit — ignoring the fact that there will be a massive influx of natives keen to pick cabbages before the end of the year as the cost of living bites.
So water shortages are fine, also!
Project fear hits gas prices
The fears continue to come thick and fast as so-called ‘experts’ suggest that average energy prices will have risen to around £5,000 a year next year, making it impossible for many to heat what I understand is called a ‘front room’. To which I say — don’t they know we are at war with Russia?! A few logistics issues are to be expected!
That said, I am sure General Johnson will bring an end to the war in Ukraine in his last few weeks as Prime Minister — just as soon as he returns from holiday — sending Putin back to Moscow and ensuring the gas once more flows uninterrupted! Yet again, the UK will have come to the aid of the German people! Will they thank us? No they will not!
Even then, are we sure energy will rise to £5,000 a year? That figure has been suggested by a few ‘energy researchers’, but it has been questioned by no less an authority than Therese Coffey MP, who studied chemistry at University!
Put simply, we all need to get a grip, get behind Ukraine and not dwell on the idiosyncracies of the UK’s domestic energy market or the actions of the industry’s regulator.
For when it comes to energy prices, as the cartoon pooch says, ‘This is fine!’
Making ends meet
I appreciate it’s not just the cost of gas and electricity that is going up: as readers will be aware, while energy lies behind much of the increase in inflation, food and other items are found in the basket of goods that represents CPI, which has risen nearly 10% this year.
But this basket is constantly being modified, and the latest additions include anti-bacterial surface wipes, which no one is now buying because Covid has passed and, quite frankly, who cares about hygiene now?! New also to the CPI basket in 2022 is the sports bra, but be honest, isn't decent support worth paying for, ladies!? The memsahib certainly thinks so, hahaha!
In any case, even if food is more expensive, we could all do with losing a little weight. One of the government’s notable successes — rarely acknowledged, of course — is the emergence of the many food banks around the country over the last few years. So there is always something nice in a tin for those that really, really need it.
That said, according to one backbench MP, it’s perfectly possible to cook a meal for 30p per person — if only people learned how to cook! Another MP from the ‘red wall’, who should know a thing or two about poverty, usefully suggested that those struggling to make ends meet should spend their money on food, not crack cocaine. So there’s another handy household tip that even Mrs Beeton didn't consider!
You’ll never hear it in the lefty mainstream media, of course, but rising food prices are fine, also!
Waiting is a national pastime
The NHS is a source of both pride and frustration to us Brits, and there has been some suggestion that the increasing number of patients waiting over 12 hours upon arriving at A&E provides cause for concern. Some have said that a backlog of 6 million patients and the threat by nurses to go on strike for the first time in history are signs that the NHS is on its knees.
But as everyone knows, we British love a queue, and it’s no overstatement to say we are the best in the world at it! You wouldn’t expect fiery Italians to wait 12 hours to see a doctor — because they simply haven’t got the pluck to do it! An American would be calling his lawyer back from the golf club after 30 minutes in a hospital waiting room, such is that nation’s impatience. It takes guts to wait: I’d like to see a Frenchman lie on a trolley in a hospital corridor stemming a bloody wound with a tea towel for 12 hours!
And let's not forget, as the average wait for an ambulance is now just under an hour, what’s another 12 hours waiting at hospital to be seen? Make a day of it!
So the NHS is… you've guessed it… just fine!
The elephant in the room
I know what you're thinking. I haven't mentioned the elephant in the room.
And no, it’s not Brexit, because that’s in the safe hands of Minister for Brexit Opportunities, Jacob Ress Mogg, who has asked the many trade experts and fine legal minds that The Sun counts as its readers to come up with ideas for greater efficiencies now we have left the European Union. I for one, cannot wait to see what they will suggest.
Perhaps you believe the elephant to which I refer is the suggestion by the OECD that, among the G20, in 2023, only Russia will see weaker economic growth than the UK. You know, Russia, which is currently subject to the strictest economic sanctions ever introduced?
Yet how could that possibly be the case, when everyone except a few ghastly remoaners agrees that there are huge trade opportunities created by Brexit?! What does the OECD know about the UK anyway? Isn’t it based in Paris?!
Applying some common sense
My experiences show it is perfectly possible to see the positive side of things in the UK if one knows where to look and doesn’t let the so-called ‘experts’ get in the way.
But even with my newfound optimism, it’s impossible to pretend that everything is ‘hunky dory’, as teenagers are wont to say. That BBC weatherman with the long foreign name wasn’t wearing a tie the other day, for a start. Nigel Farage still hasn’t been knighted. And why on earth would slave trading provide a sufficient reason to be ‘cancelled?’ They were different times!
The real elephant in the room, however, and one that seems to exercise many of us who are otherwise pleased with the way things are in the UK, presents a problem far thornier than war with China: namely, when is a woman, a woman?
Pronouns pose problems
Mark my words: this country fast needs to decide precisely what a woman is before we are all forced into an awkward conversation about the weather with a ‘trans person’ across the sink in the gents at the nineteenth hole.
How can I possibly be expected to address Gerald as “they” when he comes around to do my tax return? And why must the chap with the intimate knowledge of the innermost workings of my 1985 Bentley Mulsanne insist on being called “Daphne?”
Forget the false concerns about climate change, long-term economic decline and a healthcare system on the verge of collapse; this is the nightmarish stuff that keeps me awake at night!
‘This is fine’, says the little dog on the interweb, and he is right about pretty much everything. Indeed, faced with his optimism, we should all give him a pat on the head and ask: “Who’s a clever boy?!”
But he would be wise to keep a safe distance from Daphne’s oily hands, because apart from manipulating my manifold, you don't know where they have been. Its disgusting.
Yours sincerely, etc.”